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The SimpSounds
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The SimpSounds

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Legal Crap

Here are some of the hilarious, miscellaneous sound files.

Moe Cop: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz] All right, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot'em! [ding]
Cop: Checks out. Okay sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm gonna sit at home and oggle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment. [buzz]
(148 K)

Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number. This is 91......2. (16 K)

Wiggum: Ok folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's OH MY GOD, A HORRIBLE PLANE CRASH! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! C'mon, crowd around, crowd around, don't be shy, crowd around. (91 K)

Marge: (phone rings) Hello?
Wiggum: Uh, yeah, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my God, he's dead?
Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI, hahahah. I always get those two mixed up. (hangs up)
Mrs. Phillips: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI.
Wiggum: Uhhh....why don't you talk to that officer over there. I'm going out to lunch.
(142 K)

Ralph eating pasteRalph: When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University. (22 K)

Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food. (47 K)

Singers: Hens love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders.
Homer: Not me!
Singers: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders.
(55 K)

Tod: Lies make baby Jesus cry. (21 K)

Maude: Tod, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Tod: Hell, no.
Maude: [Gasp!] What did you say?
Tod: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
Ned: All right, thats it young man, no bible stores for you tonight!
Tod: Aw!
(177 K)

Bart: You don't win friends with salad. (Homer and Marge join in). (84 K)

Bart: And I think its ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic ga-
Marge: Bart!
(36 K)

Martin PrinceKrusty: I could pull a better cartoon out of my aaaah heheheh. Hey, whoah! Wasn't that great, kids? (63 K)

Krusty: Now, why do they call this a "urine monkey"? Ohhhh, I just found out. (142 K)

Krusty: Oooo, sex chat! [Dials phone]
Operator: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now, lets join the party!
Krusty: Hello?
Man 1: Hello?
Man 2: Hello?
Apu: Ar-Are there any women here?
Krusty: Hello?
Apu: Are you a beautiful woman?
Krusty: Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
Apu: This is not as hot a party as I had anticipated.
(132 K)

Apu Apu: And our beef jerkey is now nearly rectum free. (34 K)

Selma: Ok, one more step, I just gotta go laminate your licence. You'll get it in 2-3 weeks.
Cletus: Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!
(55 K)

Doris: More testicles mean more iron. (20 K)

Bush: Feel like some lemonade?
Ned: Tip top notch!
Bush: Okalie-dokalie.
Ned: Thankaly-dankaly. Sweet-alicious
Bush: Scrump-deedle-a-riffic.
Both: Fine and dandy, like sour candy.
(98 K)

Ned: Hard ye, hard ye! I declare myself pickled tink about Springfield's Bicen-siddly-tie-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial day!
Homer: You suck-diddley-uck, Flanders!
(93 K)

Ned: Thats a "Neddy No-no"! (16 K)

Captain McAlister: 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine. Arrrrr. (46 K)

Doris: They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
Willie: Bonjouuurrrrr ya cheese eatin' surrender monkies.
(40 K)

Willie: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn your town to cinders. (76 K)

Bee Guy 1: Sure is quiet in here today.
Bee Guy 2: Yes. A little too quiet, if you know what I mean.
Bee Guy 1: I'm afraid I don't.
Bee Guy 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Bee Guy 1: I understand now. Oh, look, there goes one.
Bee Guy 2: To the Beemobile!
Bee Guy 1: You mean your Chevy?
Bee Guy 2" Yes.
(236 K)

Grampa SimpsonGrampa: I'm thirsty. Ewww, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh, lookit that one! Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demicrat. Hello, I can't unbuckle my seat belt. (197 K)

Grampa: I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist. I'm the President of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance, for some reason. (37 K)

Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it. Heheheh. (93 K)

Homer: Did you walk the dog?
Krusty: Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.
Homer: Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.
Krusty: Yeah, ya stupid idiot.
(166 K)

Scully and Mulder [Homer on a treadmill.]
Mulder: Wait a minute Scully, whats the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling is almost...hypnotic.
Scully: Yes...its like a lava lamp.
(141 K)

TV Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read, or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered, and useless. (151 K)

Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the...something. The something's connected to thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch....uh oh. (127 K)

Skinner: Its already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo and the nay-nay. And it has nasty plans for the boobie, the titmouse, the woodcock and the titpecker. (81 K)

Nelson Muntz Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Goulet: Vera said that?
(189 K)

Apu: I love this song, let us boogie! [singing] I am a freakazoid, come on and wind me up. (55 K)

Apu: Put it down, or I'll blow your heads off. (22 K)

Apu Cleans Up Apu: Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise! You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again. (55 K)

Comic Shop Guy: This high speed modem is intolerably slow. Hey, what the? Huh. the Internet King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity. (77 K)

Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
(48 K)

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